- Teenage drinking champion attempts to salvage relationship with girlfriend by ramming the wrong car sixteen times to get a goodnight kiss. Which he will recieve in jail against his will
- Drunk driver decides to cut out the middleman and drives his car into the front door of local jail
- Man swimming in croc-infested waters is bitten, then spit out by a 10-foot crocodile who apparently doesn't have a taste for stupid people
- Today's school shooting brought to you by Cincinnati. This was obviously a public school, because the shooter missed everything and everyone
- Cheney is hunting again today. All lawyers advised to lay low
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